“On that day, when evening had come, He said to them, ‘Let us go across to the other side.’ And leaving the crowd, they took Him with them in the boat, just as He was. And other boats were with Him. And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But He was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke Him and said to Him, ‘Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?’ And He awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, ‘Peace! Be still!’ And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, ‘Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?’ And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, ‘Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey Him?'”
– Mark 4:35-41

I planned for my next blog post to be fun, uplifting, and colorful! But God keeps bringing me back to this instead; back to the sea and back to His display of strength and omnipotence. These are some of my favorite verses, and I find it interesting they are included in 3 of the gospels: Matthew, Mark and Luke. I love that the longer you look at this situation in Scripture, the deeper the lesson becomes…

I love the ocean, I always have. I remember being a child and loving the feel of the sand and the excitement of each new wave crashing at my feet. I loved walking on the beach and seeing my footprints in the sand. And even being “washing machined” in the ocean, is still a powerful memory! Being turned over and over, around and around; not knowing which way is up and which way is down. Not a particularly fun experience to be slammed around by the sea, but it is one I will not forget! When the ocean reminded me of its power and of my own human frailty…

Fast forward many years to when I was very sick in the hospital. Once I knew a kidney transplant was my only hope, I started to make a list of the things I wanted to do with my new kidney. I had recurrent dreams of diving into water, being fully submerged (something I could NOT do at the time because of the dialysis catheter in my chest) and being so at peace and consumed with an overwhelming sense of joy. It was at the top of my kidney list and was even mentioned at the very end of our brief moment of fame in the news! Thanks to some family members who had a pool, awhile after the transplant, I was able to finally go swimming! Such a wonderful memory… yet I still long to go into the ocean again, and swim with my daughter. (There are personal reasons this hasn’t happened yet but I’ll save that story for another time.) The photos in this post are from when I introduced Bella to the ocean for the 1st time. What a joy it was, even though it was too cold to swim. All this to say, so much of what I am writing, and my true “why” for doing any of this at all, is wrapped up in her. I want her to know the things in my heart she hasn’t seen and things her mind cannot yet comprehend…

With all of that in mind, these passages have been calling to me, reminding me of desperate days; days when I felt God was allowing me to drown. He was there, I knew His presence and His Spirit were with me, but He seemed to be asleep. Times when I felt I was “perishing!” – physically / mentally / emotionally. I have had several of these moments; some I cannot share publicly. But the one that sticks in my mind happened about a month after my Bella was born. I was on dialysis, incredibly sick, literally dying in a dialysis chair. My first dialysis catheter in my chest got infected and I got very sick very fast. The process of taking it out and having another put in was traumatic, to say the least. I had reached the end of my rope and I started breaking down, in every way. Being brave and strong didn’t mean anything to me anymore. I wanted to be with my newborn, premature baby, but I was so weak, I could barely even hold her. Every new test / procedure felt impossible. Confusion consumed me; along with a rising anger, realizing I had finally been given the miracle baby I prayed 11 years for, and yet I was watching my own life slip away… I begged God for restoration. Strange and horrible things continued to ravage my body regardless.

Weeks before, I had to leave the hospital with empty arms, with a baby still in the NICU. My husband picked me up and got me ready to go back to a dialysis chair. I cannot even begin to explain the heartache… But not long after, I was back in the hospital, fighting to survive, sicker than I could ever have imagined. And then heartache doubled… This time, my baby was leaving the hospital without me! She was not in the arms of her mother, like she should have been. I cannot even write this without crying. This is NOT the way it was supposed to be. Why was God being so cruel to me? I knew He was there, but I couldn’t believe the pain He was allowing. However, through the suffering, there were beautiful glimmers of hope. God sent me a nurse, Denise, my sweet friend who went to the same church, and oh how she ministered to my soul in such sweet ways! And at a critical time when I honestly wanted to roll over and die. The Lord showed me His comfort and beauty through Denise, and also in many other ways, often subtle but significant. I remember laying in my hospital bed, scared and alone and feeling like a child. I tried to pray, and couldn’t even find the words. My body was shaking and I felt like I was at death’s door…

When I was finally ready to be discharged, (anxious to get home to my precious baby, at last!) they said we had to do one last heart test, just in case. I remember laying in my hospital bed, in the waiting area for my echocardiogram, laughing and smiling with my mom, thinking of the sweet baby girl clothes I would dress my angel in when I got home. We did the echo, went back to my room, and started packing and preparing to go home. I still had dead kidneys, I was still on dialysis, I was still deeply shaken by having a second catheter tunneled from my chest to my heart. But I was READY to get home to my baby and my husband; to be the family we always wanted to be.

The attending doctor came in with a stern face; I don’t even remember her exact words. My mind and body felt washed in the sea, like I went somewhere else. This couldn’t possibly be happening. I sat in shock as she explained the test (that seemed to be a small afterthought) revealed the infection had spread to my heart and now I had endocarditis with mitral valve damage. I wasn’t going home anytime soon. Now it was not just my kidneys, but my blood and my heart that were deeply and dangerously infected. The waves of pain / sickness / grief washed over me; one ferocious wave after another. I was back in the washing machine of the ocean and I couldn’t get to the surface to take a breath. I was drowning…

The verse that came to mind in that moment was:

“But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’”
– Luke 18:13

This is how I felt, I couldn’t even lift my eyes to heaven. I remember looking at my Mom and asking in a panic with a flooded face, “when will this stop?!?!” There were no words to pray; there was no space for complex emotions. All I could do was cry out with one helpless, choked breath, “please God have mercy on me… have mercy… have mercy!!!” My lips trembled as the words tried to come out of my mouth. I felt like time stood still. Like I was one of the disciples in the boat, crying out:

“Don’t you care, God??!!” “I am perishing / crumbling / literally DYING!?!?” “Where are You??” “Why are You sleeping??” “Why won’t You calm the sea for me??”

“Save us, Lord; we are perishing.” – Matthew 8:25
“Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” – Mark 4:38
“Master, Master, we are perishing!” – Luke 8:24

And what was His answer? “Child, where is your faith?”

“Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” – Matthew 8:26
“Peace! Be still! Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?” – Mark 4:39
“Where is your faith?” – Luke 8:25

In that very situation, I was humbled immediately to know that God still wanted unwavering faith from me. Even though the storm raged on, and it seemed to me that He was sleeping! He was still there with me, working out my faith and carrying me through the storm. As my Dad pointed out, the following verses help explain why He waits. That there are some things we only learn and are only accomplished by waiting in pain and difficulty. He knows those things and we don’t! That is where faith and trust come in.

“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.”
– Romans 8:26-29

Many people who came to see me during that time (which was very hard to even attempt to have “normal” conversation in such a state) would praise me and say, “You are so strong!” “Your faith inspires me!” “You never give up!” I was uncomfortable hearing those words because my heart felt as though I was failing; body / mind / soul, I was crumbling! I felt I did not deserve those words. I remember asking my mom after one gracious guest left the room, “She said, ‘you never give up,’ but how do I go about giving up? I want to give up!” My confused, diseased mind kept asking, “Do they not see I was not ok?? That my faith is being tested ever second!” The next visitor was Grace, another sweet woman from our church, and I remember she brought the most beautiful flowers. This time, I was not able to have casual conversation. My Mom was at my home, helping to care for Isabella, so it was just Grace and I. And I sobbed the entire time. We’re talking slobbering / dripping / ugly crying; I don’t recall even saying one word. I was perishing… yet there was a mustard seed of faith, deep in my soul, planted long long ago, that would not allow “giving up.” So many scenarios ran through my head during that long year of dialysis, hospital visits, infections, and constant pain. When I was home, I tried to have day-to-day life with my family; all of it felt so impossible and agonizing. I felt like a failure on every side. My future looked more uncertain with every new medical issue that arose; I needed a miracle and I wanted it quickly! There was a time I was pondering what it means when the storm rages on, and the Lord doesn’t stop the waves. I believed with all my heart, He had the power to do any miracle He wanted. He could say, “Peace, be still!” and it would STOP! It was one of those seasons that broke my heart to believe He COULD do it, but for some reason, He WASN’T!

“What sort of man is this, that even winds and sea obey Him?'” – Matthew 8:27
“Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey Him?'” – Mark 4:41
“Who then is this, that He commands even winds and water, and they obey Him?'” – Luke 8:25

My soul believed this! Every piece of me knew He could do this! I had seen Him do many miracles, in me and around me; I knew He was able! To reconcile that He could, but at that time, He wasn’t, was difficult and a challenge to my faith. I continued to pray, to believe, and to trust Him with all my life, with my family, and with the future of this precious child I had been given. To have faith that did not see, matured me spiritually in ways I am only beginning to be able to put into words. I am so grateful for my upbringing and that Scripture was constantly in my ear and written on my heart. The Lord often called to mind these sweet words of Jesus:

“Jesus said to him, ‘Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'”
– John 20:29

Friends, I don’t know the waves God is sending you… I have a close friend who is in that place of desperation, and it breaks my heart to see the crushing waves continue. To watch as it seems like Jesus is sleeping while she is on the verge of breaking with every fresh, relentless wave. I think back to those days when I was perishing, and He didn’t immediately or drastically stop the storm. Can our faith trust Him in all things, in whatever waves He sends, knowing He does indeed command the wind and the sea? He may appear to be sleeping but He does care, He does see, He is making it right! My life is proof that He can bless us even when the waves are crashing. To be desperate and clinging to Him with all our lives can be a place of such peace. A peace that has nothing to do with the world around us or even our own body. Knowing that you can cast off the world, surrender everything you hold dear, and cling only to Christ, leads to such a sweet love and devotion that our soul would never know if we had not gone through that storm. As my Mom says, “Storms will come and the waves will seemingly overwhelm us, but He is always there.”

I am here writing today, because He did calm the storm, but it wasn’t in my timing or in my way. Some storms are still active… I find such deep comfort in these verses, knowing that His ways are higher than mine. My human brain cannot fathom all He knows, all He is planning, all the reasons the storms are necessary…

“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.”
– Isaiah 55:9

Oh to think back at those days, and know that even then, He sustained me! He alone was and is my hiding place. He alone brings me peace; peace I cannot find in any other thing or any other person. This is my hope and reason for writing. To share the truth that He alone can calm our hearts in the middle of any type of destruction and despair. I would not know and trust Him like I do if I had not been through those brutal storms. My heart knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He is the One we can rely on. He is compassionate, He is good, He is the reward that is coming if we turn to Him and fully trust Him. Whatever storm you are going through, even as the waves crash, even if it is the final wave… He is there and He is faithful. Cling to Him, fall into the deep of His love and let your soul sing to Him. Whatever may come, He has promised never to leave or forsake us. The waves may continue to fall, but His glory will always rise…

“Deep calls to deep at the roar of Your waterfalls; all Your breakers and Your waves have gone over me. By day the Lord commands His steadfast love, and at night His song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.”
-Psalm 42:7-8

 

  • The song this week was an obvious choice. It perfectly describes a heart filled with sorrow / fear / grief. Like the gospels tell us, it is in these times of relentless and ferocious waves, that we need Him more! These are the times we can know Him, “a little sweeter, a little deeper… a little closer, a little clearer.” I hope this song touches and encourages your heart today.

 

  • This song is also included in my Good Friday Playlist, which has been a good soundtrack for when I am struggling to even take one more breath. While making this list, I tried to imagine how the disciples felt during this time. I cannot even imagine the confusion / pain / agony they went through when their Savior died, but it also reminds me that despair is nothing new or exclusive to me. God will ride the waves with me. When I need Him more, it means I gain a deeper knowledge, a more passionate love, and a closer walk with Him. What a gift in disguise, to know my life is carefully written by Him, and to know He already holds my victory in His nail-pierced hands!