“For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
– 2 Corinthians 12:10

Hello and welcome back to my blog! This new site is still a work in progress, but I am glad to be back and am thankful for each one of you reading this today. 2020 has been challenging for all of us. Actually, challenging is an understatement! So many things are uncertain and out of our control. Through the confusion / the heartache / the tears, the truth is that God is giving us opportunities to seek Him first. When the world is crumbling around us is, He is still speaking and working, even when we don’t see it…

Called Aside… this phrase grabbed my attention years ago from one of my devotionals, “Streams In The Desert.” I have been reading it for probably a decade now and it is still one of my very favorite books. I highly recommend reading the entry from January 22 before continuing here…

(I also posted my very first YouTube video with my beautiful daughter, Bella, reading this beautiful poem, “Called Aside.” You can watch it here if you are interested.)

 

Called Aside… isn’t this the perfect phrase for the season of life most of us are in?! This year, nothing has gone the way I planned / hoped / prayed it would. I know everyone can relate. We are all struggling in our own ways through this Covid19 nightmare. Regardless of our circumstances, life has changed drastically and from one degree to another, we have been called aside from the flow of life as we knew it. So many people are experiencing extreme hardships they cannot simply “fix” or change. Whether it is physical / mental / emotional / financial (or maybe all of the above!) when we are called aside, everything in life can feel impossible!

Called aside–
From the glad working of your busy life
From the world’s ceaseless stir of care and strife,
Into the shade and stillness by your Heavenly Guide
For a brief time you have been called aside.

Our Reaction to Being Called Aside

When my daughter was born, I was immediately called aside into a forced rest like I have never experienced before. I prayed countless prayers, year after year, for this beautiful child. Her birth was a miracle; I was so humbled to know God was finally giving me the love gift I begged Him for! Glory Hallelujah! Yet at the same time, my life / my health / my world came crashing down all around me. Suddenly, I was on dialysis, dying and desperate, and separated from my newborn baby. I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize myself. Instead I saw a swollen / sick / broken down shadow of a woman; how could this possibly be me?? Every single daily action felt impossible. Even simple conversations were incredibly difficult and frustrating… I didn’t understand how people could say, “Congratulations!” when I was dying! How could I even fully celebrate this precious gift of new life, when He was also allowing me to be called aside into a life of misery!? Motherhood came to me tangled with sickness and pain; it was a lonely and confusing journey that I would never have chosen. Why did I have to suffer like this?! My heart was devastated to accept the truth of my fragile state. I was sad about the past, depressed in the present, and fearful of the future. I felt like I had been dropped into a foreign land where I didn’t speak the language. Alone and afraid with no “easy way out!.”

As I continued to fight for my life, I was so weary of physical suffering that I was just daily begging God to deliver me. I sought comfort in so many thing and yet, no comfort could be found. My husband and my mom tried so hard to help me. The 1st time I came home from the hospital, I asked for king crab legs and a root beer float for dinner. (When my mom said to my husband, “at this point, we get her whatever she wants”… well this was even more confirmation of my rapidly declining state.) How silly it sounds now that I would ask for these. But I desperately wanted COMFORT! Any comfort at all! But food wasn’t enjoyable anymore, my bed wasn’t soft and welcoming as I remembered. I couldn’t watch television, I could barely even hold my own baby. Simple comforts that I used to enjoy, had disappeared.  The only comfort / peace / joy I had was in God; and even with Him, I wrestled and fought before I surrendered…

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.
But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
~ 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Though I am SOOOOO much better now than I was in that awful time, I still find myself called aside time and time again. Post-transplant life, being immune compromised, means I get sick A LOT! I have to say, “no” a lot! So many of the initial emotions and responses I had are still the same. When I am called aside, I usually feel angry / bitter / broken-hearted. In times of sickness and pain, I just want HELP! I’m tired! I’m mad! I want relief / comfort / rest! I am tempted to wonder who I could be, all I could accomplish, with a healthy, capable body. I tell myself that I would be a better mother / better wife / better witness, if only I wasn’t constantly called aside! Even on the days when I am as healthy as I can be, the things I try to accomplish in my own strength are often derailed. I am often exhausted and disappointed that I am never able to keep up with all the people I want to support and encourage. When there is no comfort and my mind is a scrambled mess, it is hard to respond in love…

Another layer to being called aside, is that it wraps you in the arms of uncertainty. You don’t know how long you will be called aside for; you have to let go of time and realize it is in His hands alone. You don’t know the severity of how deep this trial of being called aside will go. The uncertainty of it all, on top of the pain / struggle / burden of whatever way you have been called aside, can be crippling…

My heart has often pondered:

How am I supposed to respond when I am called aside?
How do I handle other’s various reactions when I am called aside?
How do I respond when I see someone else is called aside?

To be honest, these are questions I still wrestle with… but God says:

“Be still, and know that I am God.”
~ Psalm 46:10

There are many seasons of life when it is far more difficult to “be still” than it is to be working / pushing / willing things to happen. By the worlds standards, being called aside looks like we are failing. Surely we must have done something to deserve this. We are lazy, unmotivated, useless to society. If only we would try harder, get better, do more. But true rest / confidence / relief cannot be found in this world, no matter how hard we try to find it…

The World’s View of Rest vs God’s Call to Rest

Called Aside… the truth is this is a calling from God. He is literally “calling” us aside, through various troubles. There is a stark contrast to how the world looks at this forced rest vs how God calls us to rest in Him, in any and all circumstances. We live in a world where we are used to pushing to get what we want. Somehow, this leads us to believe that our productivity equals our worth. Try harder, work harder, hustle hustle hustle! But what about when you can’t do better, you can’t try harder, and God is calling you to do less? It is incredibly frustrating when you do all you can, but just can’t make yourself or your situation “better.” Personally, I fight the feeling of being completely useless and incapable of even simple tasks. I want to do so much, stay in contact with friends and family, reach all my goals, get more done! When I am downcast and vulnerable, I am tempted to listen to the lies the enemy wants me to believe; that my physical condition and my lack of progress, is punishment. My heart cries out, “God, what did I do to deserve this?! Why am I constantly called aside?!”

I have to accept that there will be some questions that I won’t have answers to in this life… Shifting my attention from this decaying world to heaven, I see how damaging these thoughts can be to my soul. If I let my weary heart pick the poisonous thought of the day, I fall surely down the rabbit hole. I am not proud of this but it is something I fight almost daily. God gently reminds me to be thankful in all things; opening my eyes to see that the enemy wants me in this state of despair to render me useless in ministry. This stirs up the fight in me! I know the battle belongs to the Lord and whatever condition I am in, I will stand firm in Him! But what about when I am so feeble / fragile / weak and I don’t have the strength to fight? How do I “count it all joy” when I am called aside, in the worst ways? What about when I am too sick to stand?

What is the answer?
How do I escape?
How do I abandon the idea that my value is based on productivity?

What I have learned, from being called aside over and over again, is that my own voice in my head can be my worst enemy. I am sure to keep going around & around in circles of anxiety and despair, if I attempt to find a way out on my own. I often look for the lesson, I try to escape, I seek comfort in various ways, but only God can give us rest for our souls. There is no true rest apart from Him… Jesus gives us the answer; only He can give us freedom from the chains of our own expectations for our lives. He tells us how to find the rest we so desperately want…

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden,
and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me,
for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
~ Matthew 11:28-29

Rest for my soul… this is what I want. I cannot find rest in anyone or any tangible thing, so I must actively let go of the anxious thoughts that cloud my heart… I can come to Him in complete honesty, knowing He is my God, my best friend, my Healer.

Wait and Pray / Listen for His Gentle Whisper

One of the things that I love most about God is that I can come to Him with anything. Whatever I am going through, He has felt it with me, paid for it on the cross, and He is the only One who truly understands. One of the greatest blessings in my life was being raised in the faith from day one. My foundation and my Rock is Jesus and I know I can come to Him in any state, even when I am carrying ugly / heavy / sorrowful burdens. He says, “come to Me,” so I RUN to Him with any and everything! I don’t have to hide / pretend / fake how I am feeling because He already knows! Even when my heart is filled with anger / disappointment / grief, He can handle it and He welcomes me with open arms.  Through periods of being called aside, I am learning to quiet my heart, to sit with my emotions, whatever they may be, and offer them up to God; asking Him to use my life and my prayers for His glory. I have to quiet my mind, pray and wait, pray and wait, pray and wait some more, and then listen for His gentle whisper to speak wisdom into my heart. I must quiet my reactions / my pain / my complaints, so that I can see hear what He is saying to me… I must examine myself and ask:

What is my reaction when God calls me aside?
Am I willing to wait and be still during times of uncertainty?
Will I actively seek His will, even when it contradicts my own?
Will I quiet the noise of my anxieties so I can hear Him whisper?

“Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you….
Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.”
~ James 4:7, 10

One of the ways God speaks truth / love / hope into my heart is to remind me that this world is not my home… I can search / seek / wander, but there is no place to truly rest my head; except in the faithful arms of my Savior. Yet there is a loneliness and agony in the waiting; the weight of being called aside, presses heavily on my soul. Yet He is calling me to be joyful, filled with the Spirit, content and surrendered to His will. I must sit patiently at His feet. I am weak, but He is strong and He will carry me through whatever may come, no matter how deep / dark / devastating the valley may be. Our response to being called aside should to rest fully and completely in the Lord, choosing daily to walk in His spirit; making sure His voice is the loudest we hear in our troubled minds. All to Jesus, we must surrender…

Called aside–
Perhaps into a desert garden dim;
And yet not alone, when you have been with Him,
And heard His voice in sweetest accents say:
“Child, will you not with Me this still hour stay?”

Next week, I will explore our surrender, and then our peace – in response to being called aside. There will also be a Called Aside Playlist coming soon! Thank you for reading and walking with me through this journey of seeking Him first in such a tumultuous  time. See you next week!

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