“For You formed my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are your works, and that my soul knows very well.”
– Psalm 139:13-14

(Warning – this is going to be a long one! Keeping posts condensed is a challenge for me as I like to ramble. But this is for Bella so settle in for story time! Or scroll down for our YouTube video to watch/listen instead.)

Knitting is such an important part of my life. It is so much more than sticks and yarn to me. This is the 1st post where I’ll be combining worlds; finally opening up the Knit section of my blog. As I strive each day to “redeem the time,” I know it is time to record and preserve all the memories and history I want Bella to know about her life and mine. God has shown me a creative way to do this; one puzzle piece at a time. Hopefully, you’ll enjoy these story time posts – whether you are a knitter or not!

December 2009

My sweet miracle girl… let’s start at the very beginning. Christmas 2009 – sitting on the sofa with all our girls; Grandma Sidorvich, Auntie Mary, Cousin Mikayla and Cousin Raven. And me – holding up knitting needles for the 1st time; finally willing to listen to Grandma as she had been pleading with me to start knitting for years! (More on my family history of knitting here!) Little did I know, I was pregnant with you in this picture. And so began the miracle of your life and your birth.

January 2010

When I first found out I was pregnant, I only told Daddy and Grandma Sidorvich. There are no words to say how afraid I was. I had to stay in my Father’s arms just to get through each day in peace; trusting His perfect will for you. I was terrified I would lose you; the baby I wanted so badly and prayed 11 solid years for. Every morning, I would thank Him for another day with you. I always wanted to be a mom; it was the only thing I really knew for sure. To be married and to be a mom; that was my ultimate dream! I held baby dolls when I was young and thought I could feel you in my arms… like somehow even then, I already knew you by heart.

Grandma and I decided a simple knit baby blanket would be a good project to start with. It would be the one special thing I would make for my miracle baby. I picked out some unisex yarn (not exactly the best base for a baby blanket but oh well!) ordered online, then anxiously waited for it to arrive; so I could knit and cover you in prayer with every stitch, as I waited for each day to unfold. (Side note – the unisex yarn was because I insisted that we wait until your birth to know your gender! Daddy wanted to know so we tried during your many sonograms – but you REFUSED – time and time again!)

March 2010

I will never forget the day the yarn finally arrived. I was working at my desk in San Francisco, with Milan at my feet. The doorbell rang and I rushed downstairs to receive my yarn delivery. I was so disappointed when I saw a very small package – what happened to my special baby yarn?!?! It was from the same company so I was very confused. It had my name on it so I opened it to see what on earth had happened. Inside was a one single skein of baby pink yarn… I had not ordered it, and the company said they didn’t even have record of this shipment! WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?!? As soon as I saw that pink skein, I felt in my heart God was preparing me for you, my precious daughter. My heart started racing, my head was spinning, tears streaming down my face – and Milan and I danced around the living room in joy that we were having a GIRL!!! Hallelujah! I knew in that instant, through a mysterious pink skein of yarn – that God was answering all my prayers and that unlike my sloppy 1st stitches of your blanket, He was knitting you in my womb, holding you in His hands, and you were safe in His perfect love. This was the first time I really allowed myself the luxury of being excited – no ECSTATIC – about you. I let myself feel / hope / believe that you would survive and soon I would have you in my arms.

So I cast on and did my best but wow it was messy! But I loved every stitch. I prayed for you, I cried in joy, in fear, in wonder. Dreaming of our life with you, of the family we would become. Never could I have imagined the journey ahead…

July 2010

Fast forward several months and my prayers for a baby were finally answered! However, at the same time, my world fell apart in an instant. You arrived early at 32 weeks, and I was not prepared at all, for anything… and your baby blanket was not done! I didn’t even have a crib or baby clothes or diapers. (Shout out to SFBC San Francisco Bible Church for their AMAZING support! More on that later but they completely carried us through this time; proving how the church, the body of Christ should act in such times of crisis!) And as you know, I got very very sick; we were elated you were alive and doing so well, you made it and were a beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made baby girl! I had a DAUGHTER!!! But we had a very difficult and traumatic year ahead; which was NOT at all what I wanted or expected, but it was the path God asked us to walk…

Many more details about your birth that I will save for another time, but the knitting side of it was that through it all, Grandma encouraged me to keep knitting your baby blanket. So I knit with you in my arms, when all I could do was lay in bed and try to love you, to the best of my broken ability. I took your blanket to dialysis and tried to knit there, in an attempt to escape the reality of my new life. Sitting in my dialysis chair, dying but fighting to survive each day, your blanket was the one thing I had that connected me to you. The “mom guilt” I felt when I was away from you was brutal. My battle was so much more than just physical. There were many times I was not even strong enough to hold my knitting needles. Failure/Useless was the word always on my mind – like I was failing at the one thing I wanted most in life. I prayed with everything in me for healing. Healing so that I could be the mother you deserved. Through so many hospital stays that year, I brought your blanket, and dreamed of the day I would be well and could wrap you in it and finally be HOME where I belonged. My blood / sweat / tears / prayer / and so much LOVE were knit into this blanket!

July 2011

As you know, just before your 1st birthday, on July 5, 2011, Uncle Jonny gave me his kidney. Oh thank God for Uncle Jonny for selflessly offering me his superman kidney! This is the event we all prayed for – this was my miracle and my way of becoming the mom I wanted to be! I tried to finish the blanket before I went in to surgery, “just in case” but I was so worn at this point. I just couldn’t handle looking at something that felt like another failure to me. So I decided to pack it away, unfinished, instead of stressing about it as I knew I needed to put all my energy and focus into recovering from the transplant, so I could be home with you at last. Countless times, on my knees, I would pray with all my heart and soul, begging God to let me live so I could raise you. That became the ultimate goal and my reason for fighting through all past / present / future pain…

June 2015

Fast forward several more years – I had recovered from the transplant but was still battling the day-to-day issues of post-transplant / lupus life. Grandma brought me to Stitches West, and introduced me to Ravelry. It was there that I found some wonderful women and became a part of a beautiful knitting group that helped me develop and refine my knitting skills. I also began to participate in test knit and knit alongs – aka KAL’s. One such designer that I connected with was Monika Sirna. (If you are a knitter, go check out her patterns! She is one of my all time favorite designers and her patterns are the BEST!) When Monika started her UFO KAL (Unfinished Objects – Knit Along) in 2015, I immediately knew I wanted to finally finish this baby blanket! I searched and found it at the bottom of a keepsake box. I was so excited to see it and was determined to get started on it right away. However, I wasn’t expecting the overflow of emotions that came over me when I held this blanket again. Immediately I felt sad / strange / scared – overwhelmed with the heavy memories of times I stood at death’s door… I just couldn’t face it then. It felt like a dark cloud or a bad dream I didn’t want to remember 🙁 So instead of working through it, all I could manage was to tearfully fold it up and put it back at the bottom of the box…

December 2015

This is when you started to ask about my health… Hospital trips, medic alert bracelet, pictures from when you were little… As we talked about things that happened early in your life, I felt the need to try again with your special blanket. I was prepared for the emotions this time! Your desire to understand our story gave me the courage to face it all and tell you the truth. We looked at it together, talked about it, I told you how excited and determined I was to knit for my sweet baby. Then we laughed at the holes and endless mistakes, ha ha ha, oh well! Together we ripped out the bad, puckered crochet border. You played with the curly yarn as I laughed and cried to think how far we have all come since those dark but also beautiful baby days.

And this time, with every stitch, I thanked God for all these years He gave me to be with you. This time, I felt this powerful urge to truly *finish* it! And I did! I used Monika’s brilliant blanket pattern to give my wonky blanket a crisp and even garter edge. Every flaw and every uneven stitch represents a time God was carrying me – when I had no strength in my failing human body. When there was only one set of footprints in the sand, it was then my Savior carried me.

October 2021

Better late than never! It has been many years that your blanket was completed. And it ended up in your keepsake hope chest – safe for you to enjoy someday – a beautiful example to me of the ups and downs of our journey. Still, it surprises me to realize it takes years to absorb and reflect on all that happened around your birth. I never could have imagined this is how motherhood would be for me. However, on this side of the storm, I can see the beautiful and unique story He has given us. It is one full of miracles, one worth preserving, and one that has become our testimony of His faithfulness and compassion. I am truly grateful for each day with you! As you are well aware, there are so many times the sheer emotion of it all washes over me and I fall to my knees as the tears flow.

 

Being able to take these photos of you, to capture the beautiful young woman you have become, our life together is beyond my wildest dreams. And therefore, this is the beginning of my knitting journey, and the therapeutic side of taking a skein of yarn and turning it into something beautiful. So my beautiful Isabella-rella, I want to say thank you for helping me face this fear of going back in time and remembering the agony… I am so thankful to get some closure, in the most beautiful way, holding your hand and sharing it all with you. We are proof of how God works in mysterious ways, even through a poorly knit baby blanket! 💗